Like a Ser

This Friday I go in for a physical exam, where my clinic will make sure I won’t have any complications on testosterone by doing a lot of blood work and by cavity searching my cervix. Not really looking forward to either of those, though honestly I am having a hard time deciding which procedure I am looking forward to less. I guess a phobia of needles really doesn’t work in my favor when I’m about to go on injectable  hormones. 

My first T shot should be before the 21st. About two weeks.

My emotions are rather complicated. I am excited and I am going ahead with everything without regret. I want hormones now but I also don’t want hormones now. I don’t have many pairs of guy pants that fit; my ‘passing’ depends on whether or not I have on a shirt that covers me to mid-thigh, which isn’t really flattering. It’s kind of frustrating but ultimately a big problem I need to fix.

Everything else is going well. My family is better. Oh, I have to come out to a few aunts and uncles and cousins before Thanksgiving, including my 86 year old great grandmother. I suspect she’ll be the most accepting, because honestly my grandparents are just better than yours. Its the rest of them, as well as the many family friends we have, who I am wary of. I am not too keen about becoming dinner time conversation but oh well, what can ya do?

I unfortunately can’t find my webcam anywhere, otherwise I would have given you guys some pictures. I should probably find it, since I need a way to chronicle my changes on T. Then again you have all probably been thankful for the lack of my ugly mug on your dash.

I’m also going to make a list of changes I expect on T, and changes that might happen, and put it here and check each off as they happen. I’ll have a link to it so if you’re curious you can go to it and be like ah yes Gabe’s feet have grown excellent that boy is going places. 

triggers for: depression and probably abuse.

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I was a shitty sister to my little brother. 

He is just like my father. Immature for his age, probably doomed with a ten year old’s sense of cruel humor. He is good with cars and machinery. He is a little entitled, still balls-deep in puberty and butting heads with my parents. I suspect he will be ending his one and only puberty while I enter my second. 

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Trigger warnings for alcohol and depression. 

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The first time I said it, I thought the person just made a mistake. They had called me she by mistake. My voice was still rather high, and I didn’t have a new binder yet and they might have seen something. I sat in the back and the teacher knew me and rarely called out my name for attendance. I made up excuses for them.  I corrected them and continued to do my part of the work. 

But then they did it again. “She’s the one with the papers,” they said. 

“I’m male,” I said again, my voice slightly softer. Less confident. The two wrong pronouns stuck out of my side like knives, weakening me. 

“Yeah okay.” They waved me off. Annoyance rose up my esophagus and into my throat. I clamped my teeth tightly to stop it from spilling out as a string of profanity.

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wow why did nobody tell me I posted a jaguar to my trans blog

YOU ARE NOT TRANS JAGUAR GO AWAY

well maybe you are dont let me live your life but you need to go

Hello everyone! I am sorry that I have not posted in a while. And this is a half assed one from my phone.

I am currently at my month post op appointment. Everything has been fine surgery wise. I am very happy and I just ordered a new underworks binder and it should be here by the time I go back home for the long weekend. I hope to have some pictures for you all soon.

Just a reminder that if all goes according to plan I will be in T in less than two months. Just in time for Christmas! Of course I still need pants and a packer, but that’s inconsequential right now.

Hello everyone!

I am home now after a terrible night in the hospital (not terrible as in the nurses were bad - they were all wonderful - but terrible as in the anesthesia kept making me vomit). I will make a detailed post about it as soon as typing for a long period doesn’t make my chest ache. 

I am very happy. With a big shirt you can barely see them, and thats with a hospital grade sports bra on.

Also guys I’ve been thinking of doing a whole big post on transphobia and cissexism and How Not To Be an Asshole. 

On a scale of casting Matt Damon in True Grit to voting Republican as an LGBTQ person how bad of an idea is this. 

My surgery is Thursday. 

This…kind of crept up on me to be honest. Everything kind of did. Summer is such a lazy season and you get so used to sleeping until whenever and stewing in your own juices that when the real meat of August comes around its like a fucking smack to your face. BAM CONGRATS MOTHERFUCKER HAVE SOME RESPONSIBILITIES AGAIN. And then it rubs your face in it, steals your milk money, and fucks your mother. 

I want to do so many things. I want to swim one last time this summer (but also I dont because swimming while binding is a pain in the asshole like seriously GOD). I want to go to Provincetown with my grandmother. I need to go school shopping before I can’t lift anything more than three pounds. I need to clean my buggering car and my room and fucking unpack the two trashbags of clothes that I haven’t even touched since I got home. I need to finish a short story.

Motherfuck I need to buy new bras. Goddammit. 

Part One: The Battery

I was ready. I had everything. I had packed nicely and remembered the water and my shoes. My father had taken the GPS accidentally but whatever I could just follow my friend. I was in my car and ready to go. 

The key turned and the engine didn’t even fucking whisper. Not a rattle, not a mumble. It didn’t even give me a sputter, a hope that maybe - maybe - the engine would turn over.

Nope, it was dead. The check engine light was on right next to a crude battery symbol. I called my dad. 

“My battery is dead how do I start it?” 

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(Source: pelicanpants)

That ask scared the shit out of me because for a full minute I thought my insurance company was stalking me but I couldn’t just leave it unanswered I mean that’s rude as hell.

And then I realized that how the ever-lasting fucknuggets would they find me

How

How

I am just paranoid.

Also guys I totally welcome asks and stuff and you don’t even need to be on anon. I don’t bite. I might like shed on you by accident but I don’t bite.

[Squick warning for needles]

The night before, I had to shave my legs. Under my arms. Wash away months of growth, months of waiting for my light hair to grow thick enough to be visible. I went to bed at five in the morning and was up at nine.

Because driving in Boston is akin to a trial of Hercules if you’re not used to it, we were driving to the outskirts and taking the subway in, which was much cheaper and faster than the train. But there were no more spaces available in the parking garage, and my mother was getting hassled and was starting to snap at me. So since she was only there for moral support, I had her stop in front of the station.

“I’ll go by myself,” I said. I knew the area around the MGH stop rather well, and I knew the MBTA even better than my own father.

My mother was hesitant, because even though I had become depressed and angry and was less like myself than ever before, she still had love in her eyes. But I was almost nineteen and she was just dead weight on the subway, so I stepped out of the car and said goodbye while wedging earbuds into my ears.

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I know I haven’t updated in a while, and that’s because nothing really relating to my transliness has happened recently. At least, nothing new. I’ve been having problems with my family, but that’s nothing something I want to share in detail with the internet.

Last Thursday I went in for my reduction pre-op, and I am currently composing that post, and it should be up within the week. After that, the next thing that will happen is that I will be blogging all three days of my trip of Provincetown (with pictures) on the 15th - 17th, and then my reduction on the 23rd.

Hopefully I’ll see you then.

For some reason the shirt I feel most comfortable in is my Ugly Hawaiian Shirt

and the only pair of male pants I own are cargo shorts

so tonight I am going to the movies while looking like I am ready for the beach.