It is the very early morning of Sunday, the twenty seventh of May, in the year 2012 (also known as the year giant scoops of ice cream will take over the earth and end the world).
2:40am WOW I AM LEAVING IN LIKE TWO HOURS I SHOULD MAYBE PACK
2:45 throw maybe four acceptable t-shirts, three button downs, the only pair of shorts I own, three pairs of jeans, and a pair of khakis onto the bed and wonder if you can make it through ten days with just that.
2:46 add bra to pile. Weep
2:49 dubiously throw swim trunks in pile, despite the fact that they are tight on the ass. not give a fuck
2:51 freak the hell out because you buried your beloved dachshund under the monstrosity and she hasn’t resurfaced. Dig through clothes and find her contentedly licking the crotch of a pair of old underwear. Classy.
2:53 finish throwing all of the clothing into your suitcase, which is powder blue and manlier than you.
2:55 creep down hallway and into bathroom and gather the bare necessities of toiletries, i.e a toothbrush, hair gel, saline solution, retainer, and 65 panty liners. Forget deodorant and feel the vague slap as Future Gabe attempts to bend time and space to WHUP YOUR FUCKING ASS.
3:03 HA done packing in less time it takes your dachshund to have a decent poop
3:10 attempt to finish your rereading of Eragon so you dont have to bring two honkers of a book onto the flight. Ignore pressing need to pack carry-on
4:44 woken up by frantic father after falling asleep because of Eragon’s dubious dialogue. Should be leaving in a minute. Fuck.
4:47 MUM I NEED LIKE TEN MORE MINUTES TO GET READY THESE DAYS WHAT WITH ALL THE LAYERS.
4:48 YES DAD THIS IS A FUN GAME I LIKE TO PLAY. I GET GREAT KICKS OUT OF HAVING TO RUSH THROUGH AIRPORTS. ITS NOT LIKE I SHARE A TRAVELING ANXIETY WITH YOU IN WHICH I MUST GET THERE NINE HOURS BEFORE TAKE OFF.
4:50 throw two honkers of a book into backpack, as well as laptop, cord, 3DS, and ipod. Forget chapstick and once again feel the ghost of a sting as a gay boy with severely dry lips tries to SLAP YOUR FOOL HEAD OFF from the future
5:04 ready to go fifteen minutes late. dont even curr. tune out parents bickering, which is their way of showing affection, me thinks.
5:34 at Logan airport not even an hour before 6:40 take off. pee self
5:36 someone’s toddler is having a meltdown in the curbside check in line. make great effort to NOT JUDGE but stare anyway because babies are cute. Even shrieking ones. Also hilarious when toddler throws self down on sidewalk.
5:55 after getting slightly confused about where to go, am finally in security check line. Its huge. Apparently the asscrack of dawn is prime travel time. Also for some reason the boarding pass you received says my plane takes off at 6:10 and also 6:40 what
5:56 LOL thAT SAYS BOARDING TIME HA you are fucked
6:05 THERE ARE NO PLASTIC BINS AT THIS STATION SIR WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY SHOES AND LAPTOP slide shoes and laptop directly on the table and continue to not give a fuck.
6:08 be stared at by someone’s toddler for a solid minute. Hear theIs that a boy or a girlquestion asked about you for the first time. Tear up in joy.
6:11 make it just in time to board plane, at the very end of the line. Chat with very nice man about how airports are silly.
6:13 this is not a JetBlue aircraft this is a Colgate toothpaste tube
6:20 the announcing steward is setting off your gaydar like its no tomorrow. He is also super nice. The entire back of the plane is empty so the woman sitting next to me goes back there for a seat. Spread out like an amoeba.
7:03 drinks are served. order one of the little meals JetBlue offers for six bucks. it has crackers (of which only two are completely intact), a bag of pita chips, a peppercorn cheese spread, tiny salami slices, a warm hunk of cheddar, and a bag of dried fruit. Dubious
7:05 NOMNOMNOM THIS IS FUCKING DELICIOUS. Gracelessly gobble everything in sight and eat peppercorn spread out of container with pinky finger when there’s no more pita chips left.
7:11 nothing is on TV. Realize you can actually write on your laptop, since no one is sitting next to you and your anxiety of NOBODY CAN SEE WUT I WRITE UNTIL I SAY SO. Bang out a good page and a half of decent writing.
8:46 Sneeze loudly. Hope to god nobody heard the fart resulting from said sneeze. Damn cheese.
9:40 land about twenty minutes early. Cell phone touch screen is being a total whore and can’t call uncle yet. Whisper to it that you will toss it in the toiler once you get your iPhone next week.
10:05 LORD ABOVE IT IS HOT IN FLORIDA.
10:27 finally at aunt and uncle’s house, which is a tiny little thing in a retirement-like village. Its a nice place.
10:29 GET MAULED BY TWO LABRADOODLES
10:30 ignore all reason and maul dogs back
10:34 OH GOD THE FRENCH BULLDOG IS A CUTIE PIE declare undying love for bulldog and dedicate self to him.
12:03 - the end of time. LORD GOD IT IS HOT I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PEOPLE EXPECT ME TO MOVE
12:13 go for a nap with french bulldog and realize he makes noises when he farts. which is a lot. Also realize he likes to spoon.